And so it Begins......

Alone.  That’s what she had become.  She needed no one and wanted no one.  Long ago she had learned that when you let people in you left yourself open for the heartache and loss that was always sure to follow.  Life may not be perfect now, but it was safe.  Never again would she spend those long sleepless nights filled with tears and better memories.  Not that she really slept any better.  Oh sure the pills and the alcohol helped, but night is a vulnerable thing.  When it’s just yourself, it’s harder to remember to hold together the mask that has become your face.  Sometimes we let the barbed wire slip from around our hearts and we start to feel once again.  That is the true danger of the night.  We may hide much from the world, but we can never hide completely from ourselves.

So begins the story of a 30 year old divorcee.  I guess it’s nothing really special or unique.  Hearts are broken every day and more than one woman has had her world collapse around her.  It’s not a new concept for a husband to lie, to stray, to have anger issues, to be the complete opposite of what we thought he would be.  Yes, divorce is nothing new.  It’s something that really can happen to anyone, but when it happens to you, when you are the one with the bleeding heart and the rivers of tears, it feels like you are the only one.  How could anyone else understand the pain that you feel?  We increase our loneliness and our sorrow with this thinking.  Already alone in our love lives, we make our self alone in our emotions as well.  The more we remain quiet and strive to keep our feelings hidden, the more alone we become.  Well this divorcee has had enough of loneliness.

My name is Olivia Martin.  I am 30 years old, divorced, and no children.  My life is far from what I thought it would be.  I fell in love at the age of 21 and thought everything would be perfect.  We would marry, have children, and by 30 I would be filled with domestic bliss. Ha!  How naive are the young.  It’s wasn’t far into our marriage that I started suspecting my husbands affairs.  Silly me always wanted the proof.  No matter how much evidence I had, I could still push the truth away.  I needed to catch him red handed.  An experience that I thought I would be ready for.  Well, catch him I did, and ready I was not.  I won’t bore you with all the details.  Let’s just leave it at him being a bastard and the marriage collapsing because of it.  At any rate, I’m better off now…..at least that’s what they keep telling me.  Deep down I know it’s true.  Small comfort though when you’re laying alone in a bed with only your memories. 

You might say I’m a little bitter.  You wouldn’t be completely wrong, but if we’re being honest here, what woman isn’t to some degree?  Since my divorce, my life has been an endless stream of drinking to excess and random lovers that I never allow to get to close.  Really I think I’m just living like a man.  Something I’m sure that our society would look down its nose at.  Women aren’t supposed to be so open with their sexuality.  So why am I sharing all this?  Writing it all down and just putting it out there for all to read?  Sadly there is no real rhyme or reason for it.  I’ve kept these feelings to myself for way to long and I know I’m not the only one.  Maybe there’s another woman out there, who’s experienced the same thing and will identify with my story.  Maybe in our loneliness we can find that we’re really not so alone.  Now please don’t think I’m trying to assert some noble cause here.  I’m doing this for me and only me.  Your opinions are welcome, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t give a damn what you think.  One thing life has taught me is that approval is extremely overrated.  So call me what you want.  I’m sure I’ve been called way worse before and will be again.  It doesn’t matter to me.  This is my life.  My dream was destroyed and so I’m going to take what I have left and make the most of it. 

So begins the life of a 30 year old divorcee.